Have you ever had an unwanted thought suddenly pop into your head —one that shocks you, upsets you, makes you feel hopeless, angry or frustrated, or just shifts you into an irritable mood? Worse yet, do you find yourself focussing on these thoughts in a way that sabotages how you feel about yourself, affects your words and actions, and damages your relationships with other people?
If so, you’re not alone! Many people struggle with unsolicited negative thoughts and the harmful impact they have on their lives. While there is no overnight fix, the good news is that managing these intrusive thoughts is a skill that you can learn to be intentional about what you give your attention to.
The first step to managing unwanted thoughts is to distinguish between those that are helpful versus those that are not. The easiest way to do this is to ask yourself a few key questions to determine which thoughts are beneficial and which are destructive:
- Will this thought inspire me to be the best version of myself?
- Does this thought cause me to act in a way that reflects my core values and priorities?
- Will this thought help live the life I want to live?
- Is this thought built on a healthy view of myself and others, or is it emerging from a negative self-image and insecurity?
- Do I engage in recurring patterns of unhealthy thinking such as:
- harsh self-criticism
- magnifying problems
- focussing on negatives
- imagining the worst-case scenario
- expecting people to reject me
- believing I know what someone else is thinking
- having imaginary upsetting conversations in my head
Much of the distress we experience in life, is not just related to the situations we find ourselves in but is largely a result of how we interpret and think about those situations. Our thoughts result in words and actions that affect how other people view us and respond to us. Regularly engaging in toxic thinking habits can lead us into a downward negative spiral that affects every area of our life, instead of empowering us to flourish.
When I first began working as a counsellor many years ago, I had a strong desire to make a difference, coupled with a deep sense of calling to this work. The first few times I met with clients, I was bombarded with unhelpful thoughts such as ‘What if I don’t know what to do’? or ‘Someone else would do a much better job’. If I had listened to those thoughts, they would have quickly undermined my confidence and sabotaged my early counselling sessions. Thankfully, I knew how to disengage from these thoughts, and replace them with far more encouraging ways of thinking. Instead of the paying attention to the words of discouragement my mind had on replay, I chose to reflect on how much people have appreciated talking to me, finding me a safe place and trusting me with their stories. As you can imagine, focussing on these more constructive thoughts led to much better counselling sessions than if I’d let the negative ones take control!
It’s natural for all kinds of words, trains of thought and images to come into our minds, whether we want them to or not. They are often reflections of our life experiences, beliefs and convictions, exposure to media, and by default, the culture we live in. In my work as a counsellor, I have journeyed with numbers of teenage boys struggling with depressive and suicidal thoughts. While it is not the only contributing factor, one of the common themes I observed was their deep immersion in the world of dark computer games, often spending many of their waking hours engrossed in horror-themed content, which was reflected in the focus of their thoughts and the impact on their emotions. The quality of our thought life affects not only our emotional health but also has a direct impact on our physical health, relationships and our spiritual wellbeing.
We often have engrained automatic thinking patterns that are shaped by our early experiences with other people growing up. As a little girl I felt very loved and valued by family and friends, and had a happy, healthy sense of self. This changed at age 7 when I was bullied for a year of my school life, leaving me with a deeply engrained sense of inadequacy, translating to an underlying belief of not being good enough. This outworked in an expectation that others would reject me and left me feeling as though I continually had to prove myself, causing me to engage in an unhealthy level of people-pleasing behaviour as a result. (I have since engaged in a journey of healing that has shifted to a much healthier, happier sense of who I am!)
The key insight here is that just because a thought enters your mind, doesn’t mean it is true – in fact many of our thoughts are downright lies about ourselves and other people! Whatever thoughts we focus on gain power in our lives, so we need to be intentional about which thoughts we engage with and give our attention to. This begins with identifying which thoughts help us move in the direction of how we want to live, and conversely to recognise thoughts which hinder us from living in alignment with our true potential and values.
The first principle in managing your thought life is not to panic when a stray unwelcome thought wanders into your mind. It’s completely normal and most of these thoughts don’t reflect your values or who you truly are. The goal is to recognise which thoughts are worth engaging with, and which ones we should simply let pass by.
A common mistake people make is to try to get rid of the thought and banish it from their minds, but that often backfires. Have you ever tried to not think about something? The more we try not to think about it, the more it seems to occupy our mind! A more effective strategy is to notice the thoughts that float through our mind, without automatically engaging with them. We don’t need to be worried or dismayed by these thoughts, they are simply random words and pictures that have no power over us unless we choose to engage with them.
Like any new skill, learning to notice thoughts without giving them airplay, takes practice! There are many ways to develop this skill, which is called defusion. I think of the example of 2 metals being fused together under high heat, sometimes we get fused with our thoughts in the same way. Defusion is the opposite process of disentangling ourselves from unhelpful thoughts we have been fused with.
One of my favourite mental exercises to help master the skill of defusing from unhelpful thoughts, is to imagine yourself watching clouds floating across the sky. As a thought enters your mind, visualise yourself picking it up and placing it on a cloud, then watching it float away. Alternatively, think of each thought as luggage on a conveyer belt — you watch each piece of luggage as it passes by you, and choose which luggage item you will pick up and open to see what is inside, letting the remaining pieces continue on their way. This simple visualisation technique can help you detach from the thoughts that don’t serve you, allowing you to focus on what’s truly helpful.
Alternatively, if you find yourself feeling bullied by an internal critical voice in your mind, it can be helpful to picture this as a mean cartoon character, and give it a funny name such as Horatio, and respond back with some humour or sarcasm such as ‘Is that the best you’ve got? Or ‘that’s getting a bit old, or thanks for the warm, fuzzy thought!
At times when I find the voice in my head is harsh and self-condemning, I remember that this is probably a defence developed from my younger years of being bullied, and I remind myself that I don’t have to be perfect, and it’s ok to make some mistakes, and my good friends still like me regardless.
Managing unwanted thoughts is a skill that takes time and repetition to develop! The more you practice, the easier it becomes to allow unhelpful thoughts to pass on their way and focus on engaging with thoughts which foster a healthy state of mind that enables you to flourish.
